Sweaty Duane, a story continued.

Sweaty Duane, a story continued.

Sweaty Duane did not consider himself to be a brave person. He got his nickname the first day of 9th grade at Roosevelt High. Duane had not been a high school student for five minutes when he realized everything his uncle told him about a fresh start was wrong. That August morning in 1972, it was a muggy 82 degrees, but that was not the only reason Duane was sweating. He sweat all the time. He would pull his shirts from the clothesline and see the faint demarcations of pit stains like the concentric, waving rings inside the geodes for sale at the flea market. He was a husky kid, as his uncle called him, and he was nervous in general, which did not help at all. So that morning, after waking himself up in time to walk the three miles to school, rummaging his Uncle’s dresser top for 70 cents in lunch money, brushing his teeth and getting to his seat on time, Duane was- to be fair about it- a sloppy mess.

Behind him, teeth full of braces and bread, Tony Laux said, “Whoa! Look at Sweaty Duane! P.E. isn’t until after lunch!” The other kids didn’t need to pile on or even say the word after that. In Duane’s mind, when they spoke his name, the Sweaty was implied. The Sweaty was silent.

Even all these years later, on the corner of 25th and Taft, right in front of Truck City, He thought of himself as Sweaty Duane, and despite the cold wind of the Chicago hawk crawling through his jacket collar Duane was damp as a sweat-sock. He could tell by the posture of the two people ahead on the sidewalk, that one person was not enjoying the conversation. The wind was so strong and cold, that the figure with his back to Duane, could not hear anything with his wool cap pulled down over his ears.

Just as Duane was closing on the pair, a half a dozen strides away still, Wool Cap Guy raised his hand above his head and feigned a punch at the woman. Duane could now clearly see the rounded heft of bosom on the other figure.  She flinched and cowered as Cap Guy laughed, then he raised his hand again.  Sweaty Duane could tell he was going to hit her this time,  something in how the man twisted his back foot as though squishing a bee, and to Duane’s surprise he found himself running towards the man with his back to him, Sweaty Duane’s first hurried steps since his last P.E. class.   Then, as though watching himself from the broken streetlight above the scene, he lunged at the man, ramming his shoulder into the small of the other man’s back causing him to bow and warp until his feet separated from the icy sidewalk and he collapsed in pain and bewilderment.  The woman, now standing in shock before Duane, her eyes unblinking moons of confusion was a girl Duane knew from childhood by her own unwanted nickname, Black June.  In that moment of mutual recognition Black June spoke the only word she had ever said to Sweaty Duane despite their shared decades in Roosevelt Park, “RUN!” And with that, their slow and chafing getaway commenced.

Back at his apartment, the shades pulled, and the door bolted, they hid. When Duane asked who the man was, and why he was going to hit June, she looked him right in the eye and shook her head slowly to say, No, we aren’t talking about that now. She just said she was tired, and asked to use the rest room. She did say, ” I know your name Duane.” He only replied, “You can stay here tonight if you need to” and she then nodded okay, and said, “Thanks, I do.”

Duane knew this did not qualify as a sexual encounter, but nonetheless he felt a tingling emanating from the point of contact between his backside and June’s as she slept deeply beside him as he stared into the darkness. He eased off the bed, jostling, but not waking June and he settled down in the one other room.

He woke, before sunrise. He moved quietly to to the refrigerator, standing before the door to block the light. A half-empty two liter of flat soda, hemorrhoid suppositories in the egg tray, and a jar of syrupy fruit cocktail- together these items were a memorial to his uncle, now gone. He took out the fruit cocktail and checked the sell-by date, July 31, 1983. Going on four years past its prime.

Mango made the roof of his mouth itch like crazy, but he ate it anyway, quietly watching the snow fall outside the grimy window. He knew he was allergic, but he liked the itching. His tongue rasping on the back of his teeth helped him concentrate– two raw welts on either side and his palate tingled. He unconsciously worked his tongue against the itch in time to the chuffing rhythm of the gas furnace.

His uncle spoke exclusively in parable and observation, never addressing Duane directly or speaking in the second person. Dead three years now, of an ill-defined cause his uncle called in his final days; “too many cures, not enough disease,” in reference to all of the medications piling up in the plastic container that sat on the floor alongside his vinyl recliner. Abiraterone Acetate Abitrexate (Methotrexate), Cabazitaxel, Ifosfamide, and a full alphabet of vitamins and Chinese herbs mingled with the pharmaceuticals. Duane watched his uncle wash them down every night with orange soda.

“Do you think any of that stuff is working?” Duane would ask. “A man should always finish what he starts” was his uncle’s reply.

June still slept on his formless bed, the foam mattress pillowing around her edges as she slept on her side, his Green Bay Packers coat wadded around her hands as a pillow and his uncle’s army blanket from Korea draped neatly over her. June insisted on sleeping in the recliner, until Duane gave up and went to bed, and there she fell asleep. He awoke in the night to her squishing around on his mattress trying to get comfortable, but not awaken him. Duane knew neither of them would sleep at all on his spring-less, childhood bed so he spent the night in his uncle’s recliner, just as his uncle slept every night since Duane showed up in that Packer’s coat. His uncle opened the door to him that night and made the statement, “Success is ninety percent perspiration” and stood aside to allow Duane to squeeze past and into his home. After his uncle was gone, and he was by himself, he began sitting in the recliner, the humble thrown now his, the small apartment his kingdom to rule alone.

June was the first woman to ever enter this apartment, let alone spend the night, as far as Duane had ever known.

Less Better

I want to do less stuff better.  Life is so busy on so many fronts I feel like the Swedish Chef on the Muppet Show, furiously chopping away with glee, and most of the lettuce ending up on the floor.  I want to do less stuff better.  I made it back to the yoga mat last night after a long and meandering detour.  You step outside the comfort of routine for just a moment, and the door swings shut behind you.  Like standing in a hotel hallway in your underwear you cringe in apology to passers by, “I only stepped out to grab the paper and the door locked behind me.”  They harrumph in disgust and judgement as they give you wide berth passing with their backs dragging the opposite hallway and their children’s eyes covered by a protective hand.  “I’m a good and decent person” you assure them with the USA Today covering your humiliation.  I want to do less things better.  I suspect people who are truly brilliant at something are absolutely terrible at so many other things.  I bet Aretha Franklin can’t throw a baseball, because she does so much less so much better.

Juancho

and…breathe!

In all this time I have waited for the King of Pop to finish telling me his story. He whispers it to me in his high falsetto and I nod like a worried mother, his confidante, the only one who understands.

And meanwhile, in another world entirely, my own unworried mother contemplates the road. The long, unfolding route of U.S. Highways, marked by the shield. That shield known for protecting who? From what? Maybe a traveler is safer on the county roads, denoted only by circles and alpha-numeric combinations known only to a group of wheezing delegates from the regional municipal council of working groups for the purpose of transportation distinguification. They met every other Thursday for the better part of a year and by God it made sense to them, and it still does- if anyone would listen.

So there go the words, like blobs of pollenated snot blasted out of the left nostril then the right by means of the farmer’s handkerchief. Slung out the window of the car onto the shoulder of Marion County 318 or 25A, or Athens County 550 that runs out to The Plains. No matter what route you take it is going to be tough to get there from here because these Interstate Highways, they sure did unite us, but they divided some of us too, and some of us know better than to cross them.

Michael Jackson’s glove

Michael Jackson wore one glove and the kids all thought one glove man that’s crazy, I’m going to do my thing too so they tied bandanas on their wrists and wore them to school or put on a jacket inside out.

So there Michael Jackson was, at the top of the charts with his one sequined glove hiding himself, ashamed in his mottling skin.

Too scared to dare let his voice speak for itself, to be the baddest dancer on the planet, UH! Up on those toes putting it in your face and grabbing it just in case you still needed some help getting with the program. Not a chance man, better to improve the disguise and make his whole thing be about a sequined glove.  All glove man, white and sparkling to hide that creeping blemish.

One day though, he took that glove off and walked around his old neighborhood.  He stopped at a Deli on 23rd Ave and bought a knish, potato. Nobody recognized him, although one elderly neighbor asked, ain’t you that kid? Michael braced for the recognition, but then- who pulled that dog out of the lake last Christmas?

Man, that was all right.  Good for you kid.

Michael wished he pulled that dog out of the lake, but he hadn’t been around the old district for a long, long time.

Two and a half blocks away at 24th and Monroe, catty-cornered from the spot where Michael stood regretting he was not the boy for which he’d been mistaken, Black June shooed gnats on her stoop waiting for her ride.  She remembered Michael as a boy, although they were not friends.  Two and a half blocks is a vast distance, too far to be considered neighbors in 1968 Gary, Indiana.  Black June and Michael played 4-square once, when they both happened to wander into the borderlands of backyard clotheslines and familiar faces from the schoolbus.  Black June lifted a towering waterfall into Michael’s square.  With an un-speckled fist he smashed at the red rubber ball, failing to make good contact.  The ball shanked out of bounds and Black June called, “OUT!” Michael knew it was out yet in embarrassment he argued the ball fell in-bounds. Black June called him a liar and the other kids took geographically-considered positions on the matter.  Michael’s commitment to his lie earned him a do-over in which he fake-bombed causing June to step back as he flicked it to the center.  The ball fell for the second bounce and he avoided June’s stare.  During dinner later that night his mother asked him, “What’s wrong with  you son?” “I am a liar” thought Michael, but he said, “I don’t know.”  Before bedtime, as he soaked in a cooling tub, he silently cried– gritting his teeth and frowning against the shame.  Years later, when he was the planet’s biggest, most beloved star Black June was eating breakfast when her sister mentioned the sequined glove.  Black June saw his small black fist hit the ball out-of-bounds, and imagined it shanking off of soft cotton and a crinkle of sequins.  Her sister raised an eyebrow for a response, but Black June just shrugged and looked down at her Cheerios.

-juancho

 

Loyalty

 

The things are in the saddle and they ride the people. 

-Emerson

I have a more than passing devotion to my vehicle.  It is a GMC Safari, born just before the turn of the century, 1998.  I bought it from my mother, whom I never call “Mother” when she upgraded to a 2005 version of the same.  My van has circumnavigated the Gulf of Mexico, piloted by her, once or twice.  It easily carries four large mountain bikes and 4 passengers, although there are no working seat belts in the back seat.  It is not a mini-van, it is a maxi-van.  I am way past the point of reasonable accommodation for repairs.  Although the engine has rarely faltered, arthritis has set into the electronics system.  The transmission has an ominous kick when it shifts from 2nd to 3rd.  It ran hot to the point of melting once. The mechanic found no damage, but I suspect that episode left a mark somewhere deep in the block.

Last month, on the road home from Gulf Shores, AL, the smell of burning aluminum foil filled the cab.  That terrible sweet smell of a tweaker on meth sweating their way deep into Ketosis.  The rain fell so fast and hard that the tire tracks on I-10 were filled with water and I surfed along the edges, confident in the Safari’s roadworthy heft to keep us safe.  Then my wife, with fear in her voice, said “Juancho!  There’s smoke!” and I tacked across the hydroplane lanes and beached us as far on the shoulder as I dared.  She grabbed the poodle, Summer Chanel, and we bailed into the muddy bank, tractor-trailers blasting by 3 feet from the driver’s side door.  It was a low moment.  Certain that the van and all our cargo was about to burn up, I held fast to the relief that we were safe, and could find our way to shelter.  Then nothing else happened.

I popped the hood, no smoke.  My wife inspected the door, and tried to roll down the window, which produced one last dramatic puff and a serious stench.  It was the window motor.  Just the window motor!  All was well.  We loaded back in, wet but relieved and I punched the accelerator, sling-shotting us back to highway speed.  I apologized and soothed, and promised to get a new vehicle as soon as I could.

I have a good job, and thanks to the influence of my wife, a decent credit score.  My bank happily offered to place me in debt to about any amount I liked.  My heart isn’t in it though.  Everything is a step down from my van.  I am reminded of a couple of useful homilies which I will now share with you.

Pa Ingalls, whom you may remember from this blog, had a little mutt named Suey Dog.  Suey Dog was part Boxer maybe, part something else and she followed Pa around like his familiar.  They were such a pair.  Trustworthy and loyal to one another beyond compare.  Pa never had to worry about Suey Dog.  She would jump in the truck,  ready to go anywhere.  These two grew up together, as she followed Pa from a teenage skate brat to wilderness guide, to married rancher.  Suey-girl, as Pa affectionately called her, had three legs.  The story goes that she was hit by a car shortly after Pa adopted her, and in his grief and panic, he asked his mom if they were going to have to put Suey Dog down.  His mother replied, “When you broke your arm we didn’t put you down did we?”  That was that, and Suey Dog survived long into Pa’s adulthood, may she rest in peace.

Our next story comes secondhand from that Mother of mine, by way of the History Channel perhaps.  So I mentioned that I have a job, and could therefore finance a new or lightly used automobile.  Although by examining my track record I am quite the Steady Eddie when it comes to employment, it is essential that I feel like I can walk away into the sunset.  The shackles of debt have ground down better men than I.  I want to do this work with a joyful heart, and beholden to none but my wife, my creatures, and those whom I  serve.  When Harry and Bess Truman left office, they returned to their humble home in Independence, Missouri with no more than an Army pension.  He said he just couldn’t stomach the thought of exploiting the office of the President for financial gain.  Ha!  What an utter buffoon! A moron! A man of integrity!

So, thanks for listening.  I still may replace the Safari, or I may resurrect it yet again.

Juancho

 

Lessons

I resist the urge to speak on this, these events of the day.  I do so now with a sigh, acknowledging that to respond to the news is to be governed by the news.  I speak now only because I have something to share that I have not yet heard.  Something I learned from a friend, that I repeat any time the conversation turns toward the interests and activities of Black Americans.

In the years between my departure from Tallahassee in 1993, and my return in 1998 I covered a lot of territory.  As young people will, I set out into the world to test myself.  In a culture and time where the rites of passage were poorly defined, or unappealing, I sought experiences that I hoped would reveal to me the limits of my courage, the depth of my character.  Mine was a mad run, with the responsibilities of adulthood stalking my trail.  I refused to sign leases, obtained no credit, and owned few items I would not abandon in an instant.

For a young man interested in testing his character, in plumbing his courage, there are only two arenas. There is the choosing of the harder path, the physical inanimate world and the timeless tests of nature, or there is positioning oneself counter to others, and bracing for the intimate struggle of one’s will against the will of another.  In my five years of wandering I found both.  Much of what it is written here is an accounting of that first arena.  The snow-blind drive over icy Interstate 90 to watch the sun rise from a natural hot spring, naked in sub-zero temperatures, bleating Wapiti a few hundred feet away.  The first trembling steps up a rock face, chalked and taped fingers driving into cracks until they bled. Backpacking for days along the Bridger ridge, hunkering down in fear as lightning crackled both above and below and the rain threatened to scrape you from the mountain.   Descending down a line into ancient tunnels formed 350 million years ago.

Then, onto the world of humans and the challenge of surviving among them.  I took a job as a bicycle messenger to glide through the city of Portland, one steadying hand on a bus as the rain splatters in the polished, granite gutters.  Loafing in coffee shops testing the merit of your thoughts, your wit, sullenly measuring yourself against the other clownish knights errant, little boys playing dress up in daddy’s wardrobe.  Pretend businessmen holding fingers over their lips like mustaches before slinking back to our dish-washing jobs and bailout checks from mommy.

These experiences are not enough for a young man still not fully formed, perhaps rattled by how hard it all is!  How to become a somebody when the world is full of nobodies?  I don’t want to be a nobody, but maybe that is all I am up for becoming. These are the thoughts that keep a young man awake at night, gripping the sweaty bed sheets as he feels the uncaring earth hurtle through space.

Desperate, in a panic to find my somebody-ness I fled the country.  I malingered in the streets of Barcelona, shacked up in a flat full of worldly students who all seemed to know exactly who they were and what they were out to become.  One of them a doctor already, and sixty-two years old, a woman from Cuba who cooked sometimes and explained that in Cuba one had to know how to cook if one was to make arroz con pollo delicious sin pollo.  As they went off to school each day I rode the metro to a language school where I whiled away the hours with delightful students as we blew off the textbooks in favor of vino tinto and tortilla de patat.

Finally, for my grand finale, I swung by the destroyed nation of Bosnia-Hercegovina, to get close, but not too close, to the horrors of war.  Thinking perhaps a young man’s character could be tested by proximity to suffering.  I heard stories of hideous atrocities and smoked cheap cigarettes with the people who survived them, while my own test was constructed more of enduring the rattling and endless train rides, the warm beer, and the shame of a passport that could end my tour while others would live out this misery to its final end.

So all of this background, forgive me, to bring us to a moment on a porch in Tallahassee, FL.  Taking in the evening with my co-worker, Dwayne back in 1998.  We worked together in the evenings at a shelter for runaway teens.  A place full of noise and tears that reminded me of the busiest nights I worked in the busiest restaurants where the overwhelming requests for un-met needs ran together and the only thing that separated me from the weeds was the ability to stay in the zone.  Table nine needs butter, food is ready for seven, fresh round of drinks for fourteen, drop a check on ten, Double-sat on five and two, Tamika wants to call her mom again, Daniel needs his meds, Anthony and Theo want to go outside to play ball, Michaela and Steven are trying to make out in the TV room, and nobody knows it yet, but the newly arrived 12 year-old Kiya is trying to set herself on fire with a curling iron under her pillow in room 2.

Dwayne and I thrived at this work.  By helping these runaways I found the courage to stop running away.  I found out what kind of somebody I was meant to be.  He and I quickly connected, able to read each others’ thoughts during crisis and choreograph interventions on the fly.  At the end of a shift at midnight we sometimes talked in the parking lot for another 20 minutes, debriefing what went through our minds during one episode after another.  Eventually we moved those sessions to Dwayne’s porch on 8th Avenue, a cute yellow house two blocks from my own shabby dump on 10th Ave.  One Saturday, after a few Lowenbraus on the porch we were swapping stories of our pre-shelter lives.  I opened up my hymnal and sang to him about the big skies, the bike rides, the fresh powder daze, throwing everything I had at him to impress him and further earn his respect.  He just shook his head at me over and over, in a continual negation of all I had done to make myself me.

A little bit hurt, a little bit annoyed I asked him, ” Dwayne man, haven’t you ever wanted to try any of these adventure sports, to see what you are made of?” and that is when he explained to me, “John man, you don’t get it, being a black man in America is a full time adventure sport, I don’t need to do anything to decrease my chance of survival.”

 

He called me the day after Thanksgiving.  It was good to hear his voice.

Juancho

A Note on the Type

 

I have reached the level of self-importance that I no longer write, but instead sift through past writing.  April, 2015 marks a decade of the Big Ring Circus, a blog that began about mocking close friends on bicycles and became a tale of an inner child’s love for the wild outdoors, and a battle for daily freedom from the expectations of adult life.  These posts at their best are cryptic little postcards from a space in time, a magic intersection of circumstances.  At their worst they are lollygagging ramblings that served to postpone work, rides, or major life decisions.

I have accomplished a few things in my life, including being found again by a girl that I lost on Corvette St. in 1984.  I adopted an apricot poodle, lost my work from home lifestyle, and made a desk from a sheet of plywood.  Along with those achievements I logged 2160 pages, double spaced, 12 pt font.  I managed to download and convert the entire thing to an editable format, and there it stops for now.  What I want for Christmas is time.  Time to think.  Time to ride.  Time to slash 2160 pages down to about 100, or 10, or 2.   I am proud of many things I have done in the last decade, and equally discouraged by others.  those are the stories I now want to unearth, spit-polish, and sell the masses for big, big money.  Like sick, buy a new chamois kind of money.

I’ll probably just give it away though.

 

Juancho

GOTV

In the heart of every cynic is a crushed idealist.

The disappointment in our fellow humans is commensurate with the degree of hope we once had in us.  The first time you see the fat kid, or the kid wearing broken glasses, rub his yeast roll in his greasy hair to keep a bully from stealing it, you leave that lunchroom hardened. You can feel the sting on your own ear when he gets his thwacked with a cocked birdie finger for not yielding the prize.  I was not in the 2nd hall bathroom when it happened, but the story goes that the kid with the broken glasses brought his dad’s revolver to school and when his persecutor followed him into the bathroom he was looking at the barrel hearing clicks while the fat kid asked him which chamber he thought the bullet was in, like, “Maybe it’s in this one Travis? Click. Or is it this one? Click.”

Travis exploded out the bathroom door on a frantic run, while Kurt calmly walked out behind him, the gun back in his backpack.  Nobody I know ever saw Kurt again, but we sure spoke of him often, most frequently to Travis.  “Hey bro, seen Kurt lately?” Then we would laugh at him as he slunk down 2nd hall.

So the world is not fair and you don’t often get your way, but then sometimes a little ray of justice shines through and you think maybe this time, maybe I get to win.  Everybody has their sad story, and I think everyone sees themselves as the heroic underdog, but the truth is some of us are more under than others.

Me?  I am a heterosexual, married, educated, and employed white man living in a society where those are all favorable qualities.  Where, when people ask, “But does he fit in around here?” There’s a decent chance the answer may be yes, even if they don’t know my outsider’s heart.

For some people though, their outsider-ness is not optional.  It’s on their skin, or the hand they hold at the movies.

That is why, when I walked into the courthouse today I got that familiar power surge, that lump in my throat.  I am not sure that it matters like it once did, as the buying power of JuanchoPAC is minimal.  I can’t help it though, I want those bullies to stare into the barrel of my vote gun and listen while I make it click.

Juancho

 

That kind of day

Today is the kind of day to go out and commit some misdemeanors, hunker down under a railroad overpass and sip a cup of coffee with a little something in it, smoke some cigarettes and try to read the hazmat codes as the trains roll  by.  Sulphur dioxide, that’s a 1079 and good old benzine, that’s an eleven fourteen.

Ride off along the railroad tracks and across some posted land, sweating up a game trail hot-boxing in your gore-tex under a drizzling rain.

Today is the kind of day for laying up in a south Willamette valley bungalow weaning yourself off the dilaudid.  Slowly moving broken bones and torn muscles and wondering what will ever replace the sweet ache of the body healing?

Put a little Smoky Robinson on and try to follow the tracks of those tears running down the faces of all of us: the poor, sorry, hopelessly grown. It is embarrassing to want it so bad, like air-balling three-pointers embarrassing to admit that yes, you really do just want one more day in your 10-year-old body with your ten-year old thoughts and trying- by the pure power of belief- to seriously stop growing up. Stop it in its tracks like a tank of benzine, failing inspection.

There’s nothing you can do man, and it’s going to be okay.

 

Juancho

One little bike ride

One little bike ride 12 miles long

on a brand new bike I knew it was wrong,

I took that brand new chain and that brand new frame and I dragged them through the sand and the grit and the rain.

2 riders, 3 riders, 4 riders long

on that twilight trail where I belong

— the fox squirrel, the woodpecker, and my fat ass

Palmettos, the scrub, low clouds and tall grass.

Run Joey run Dan’s right behind, then me, then Melissa

then the forest, quiet, rain in the pines.

One little bike ride 12 miles long.