For weeks that truck has stunk and stunk, and I assumed it was the accumulated funk of myself, my brother, and whomever else crams their ass in the jumpseats on the way home from a trail.
–Not that we drive to trails.
I couldn’t take it anymore this morning. I had to find it.
Is it this coffee thermos? I stick my nose down in it and take a deep breath. Whew, sour, but not sour enough. Is it this pair of crunchy socks? I hold them to my face and breathe in. A little musty, but not so bad really.
Is there something rotten in my Camelback? I pick it up and immediately release the latent FUNK that has been lurking in it for weeks.
There is definitely something dead in my Camelback.
Sniff, sniff, cautious sniff. Oh my God that is nasty. Sniff, sniff.
I find nothing in the pockets, that’s strange.
I pull out the bladder and find it 1/2 full of what looks like runny cottage cheese. Interesting, I don’t remember putting any cheese water in there the last time I took it on a ride.
Now I hate to waste resources and lose gear unnecessarily, so I had a decision to make. Could it be salvaged? Could I return it to normal? Let me see, maybe if I just unscrew the lid here and– My eyes! My eyes! quickly I screw down the lid and dump the bladder in the garbage.
So what do you suppose was in that thing? All I can remember is I used to have a little bit of that Accelerade stuff and now I can’t find it. Their gimmick is 1/4 protein to 3/4 carbohydrates. This is supposedly a very big deal.
So what do they mean by protein? Where does it come from? Is it some synthetic, fruit-flavored protein? I don’t think so.
As my brother said last night, “Bubba, there’s only one thing that smells like that when it’s rotten and that’s chicken.”
Accelerade is made from chicken water.
Tell the ladies Barbie’s little dream truck is back in business.