Trek Antelope 820, 1988 probably. The black one. The only shock it contains is the one associated with seeing the herpetologist still riding it. Some of you may remember, the herpetologist rides the lead sled once a year- at the camping trip. To my constant frustration and dismay, his bike continues to work, and it’s rider as well, despite years of benign neglect. In his K-Mart tennis shoes, with his bowie knife on his belt and a brass, gopher tortoise belt buckle, the herpetologist straps his Michael Douglas hair into a children’s helmet and proceeds to kick ass up the mountain. Now, I’m not saying he rode away from anyone, but nobody rode away from him either. On the downhills, he leads the charge. He wears no gloves. He prefers wool and cotton outergarments, although I suspect one of the gamiest chamois in the forest lurks inside his cargo shorts. A bookrack with a large bag of ancient tools strapped to it, rattles like a chain link fence. He likes to sit on the bookrack when he needs to “get low”. The herpetologist prefers bar-ends, of course they are two different kinds, cocked at two different angles. The herpetologist did not produce a single reptile on the trip, which was disappointing.
There was great interest in the diversity of trees, which lacks the thrill of a good snake. One Black-bellied Salamander was discovered in the creek, but as you undoubtedly know, salamanders are amphibians, not reptiles, and therefore more like a fish than a bird. Reptiles are the ones more like birds, or something like that.
On to better things…
We saw indisputable evidence of Sasquatches, (Or is it Sasquatchae?) in the region. Pulling up in a grassy meadow on top of the mountain, I put my foot down and discovered I had almost stepped in the biggest, darkest, roundest turd I had ever seen. Seriously, it was like a long tube of gingersnap cookie dough (but darker). I recoiled in amazement. No human colon could hold such a whopper, and yet it was definitely a humanoid turd.
The herpetologist said it was a bear, but bears are not reptiles so he is outgunned here. As a long-time, self-declared cryptozoologist, I am going to have to pull rank.
That turd is all the proof I need.
My fingernails are so nasty,