A Revelation

If you are faster than me, you are doping.

That is the new world I ride in. It is the only explanation for my consistent lack of dominance. Unlike golf, which I excel at without effort or even mild interest in success, I struggle at cycling. I don’t struggle at the carb-loading, or the lycra-wearing, or the bitching and the whining; not at trail repair, psychological sabotage of self and others, or at loving every minute of a long, grueling ride in the woods- those things I am quite good at. Run-on sentences are also high on my list of attributes, but the actual fast part of riding, well, it takes more sacrifice than I am currently making to get ahead in my crew.

Which is how I finally realized every single damn one of them is dirtier than Tom Sizemore. Dirtier than Lindsay Lohan. Dirtier than telling you that Harry Potter actually does die in the last book. (Sorry, but I’m making a point here).

S’quatch- you, you my friend are vindicated because you just aren’t all that fast either. You also wouldn’t have been enjoying beer and tomato juice with extra salt packets under the fluorescent lights at the Cadillac Motel, the scent of a burning pile of tires fresh on the breeze. Nope, you are clean.

But- the rest of you- I’m on to you.

Torso and Mystery the Untameable Stallion: Too old, shouldn’t still be so damned fast. Verdict: Dirty.

Big Worm- Well, I like my teeth like they are thank you, so you are cleared too. Now go outside and play.

Hambone- The Levi Leipheimer of the pack, always second never tired. Verdict: Dirty.

Tallyflasher or whatever your name is- Dirty like a bar mat. You shift shapes like a, like a, like a shape shifter or something. Need to fit into a natty pair of cords? No problem, just take your quad shrinking meds. Need to lower the boom on bike church? Big quad meds. As we say south of the border, suuuuciiiioooo!

J Bushyhead- Parties all night like Sean Puffy P. Diddy Combs and still gets up to ride? Never gets dropped? Uh-uh honey, you’re dirty. Hit the showers!

Wrecking Ball Zipper Neck- Your recent use of performance inhibitors does not excuse you. Verdict: Dirty!

And Hitops- From 0-60 in less than a year? From balking at the Felasco 50 to knocking out 75 on any given weekend? Still call them toe baskets, but now dictate the pace to our buddy S’quatch? It doesn’t look good my friend. It does not look good at all.

Verdict: Brush your teeth they’re diiiirrrty!

As for the rest of you blogger riders with your races and your umpteen-hundred mile rides. Enjoy it while it lasts. I think it is time that the Circus came to town to set things right.

I’m rooting for this guy.

VANSEVENANT, Wim: He is in last place so Wim Vansevenant, I am reasonably sure, is clean.

Go Wim!


9 Responses to A Revelation

  1. I appreciate being vindicated, Juancho. As I’ve always said, “I work HARD to go this slow!”. Last night on the ride Micro Mechanic warned me that I could be tested by the vampires at any time. To which my reply was, ” I’m not worried, unless they’re testing for that jelly filling in the donuts!” LONG LIVE the LANTERNE ROUGE!!!!

  2. Not guilty. I’m again clean and slow. Sasquath beat the juice out of my system on a 62-mile ride in N.Fla./S.Ga. about a month back. Since then I’ve had no more than a casual relationship with the bike. But today starts fresh diet and training regimen (all biking, no hoops) so I can climb Roan Mt. in a couple of weeks.

  3. Contrary to what has been written about me in the French press, and on this unholy blog, the disc removed from my neck in no way gave me a weight adavantage. I have repeatedly told the media that the compulsive eating and lack of bike time has more than made up for any advantages I might have gained from my surgery.
    However; some became suspect after my heroic attack on Mount Vine’ Lake Overstreet last night. They quickly found their fears were unfounded when I blew up two miles into the ride.
    I had no idea you could vommit and pedal at the same time.
    I thank you for your time.

  4. Wish I could have seen it WBZN. It might beat my best WBZN memory… when you had to get off the bike after going for one to many yellow signs.