Dodging the Shiv

One good way to protect yourself from unprovoked attacks on the trail is to tuck a substantially thick phone book into your chamois and jersey in order to absorb the blade’s attempted insertion into the kidneys. A shank, or a shiv if you prefer can be made from a variety of handy implements available on any bike ride.

An empty pack of energy gel can be rolled tight enough to be filed down into a weapon designed to puncture.

Another malleable option is the pre-ride sandbag disclaimer:

“I rode a record lap yesterday so I really want to take it easy today.”

This actually means, “When you least suspect it I am going to cram this ancient and stale sharpened granola bar into your pancreas at the bottom of the next hill.”

When a new rider, or an old rider acting like he is new, is earning a rep’ or “riding the yard” he makes a target of himself. Despite all efforts to avoid conflict and mitigate the frequency of assaults, in the end the rider must succumb to the savage nature of his surroundings and procure himself a shiv.

I prefer the Titus Racer X.

Yes We Can.


5 Responses to Dodging the Shiv

  1. I don’t think that shiv will flash at all, when it’s wielder is cuddled up with his blankey poo, wearing his Titus pajamas, when he is supposed to be out with his gang, checking the “yard” for post apocalyptic Faye damage.

    How’s that for a run on sentence?

  2. Ever notice how flat the SMT is compared to south Tallahassee? Everything’s fine down and back, and then, damn it, elevation gain. It’s just a hell of a way to finish a ride — or throw in the towel 2 miles from home at the entrance to the fairgrounds, like I did yesterday. Not much shade in that parking lot, either. Still, 40 miles is OK, huh?