Category Archives: Uncategorized

LA (lower Alabama)

I am losing my road warrior edge. I sputtered into this motel in Dothan, Alabama rather than press on for two and a half more hours to get home. Forget it. I lucked out though, because I made it here in time to catch the American Country Awards.

The secret password that gets you onto the hand-cranked 28.8 bps internet is jakes which is obviously a sign. I think this is a good hideout for my alter-ego to write a little bit about his alter-ego (my third ego?)

I can’t believe I stopped. I feel like a nine-fingered shop teacher.

Juancho

Kudzu

Somewhere in this town is a person who travels the same routes I travel. This person goes to the parks I frequent, takes the same shortcuts, and enjoys the same restaurants. Despite all that we have in common there is one small difference between us. Where I visit these locales and enjoy them without signifying my visits, this other person is compelled to write KUDZU on the surface of manhole covers, stop signs, buildings, and restaurant bathrooms. I understand that this person perceives herself to be an artist of some renown, or perhaps as a contributor of compelling commentary on the condition or ownership of parks, restaurant bathrooms, and stop signs. Perhaps I, in my dullard state, am failing to comprehend the important message that Kudzu imparts by writing KUDZU on everything.

I know that Kudzu is noble and self aware because Kudzu undoubtedly commutes by bicycle and the evolution from derivative cliche graffiti scribble to KUDZU in a more block letter fashion shows a stripping of pretense and a coalescing of purpose and identity.

If not for a likely difference in age and circumstance I might be riding with Kudzu and keeping the coast clear while another KUDZU is bestowed on Tallahassee in chalk or Sharpie marker. Time however, has placed us on opposite sides of the radical fence. It disappoints me, as I admire Kudzu. The tenacity and diligence to continue the practice into adulthood is exactly the attitude this country needs right now. The genius of choosing as a moniker a foreign and hostile plant that spreads unwelcome and unwanted, yet is heralded as a cultural icon impresses me. I wish I had thought of it first.

My problem with Kudzu and KUDZU is best explained by that most disgruntled adolescent of all, Holden Caufield.

“I was the only one left in the tomb then. It was sort of peaceful. I sort of liked it, in a way. It was so nice and peaceful. Then, all of a sudden, you’d never guess what I saw on the wall. Another ‘Fuck you.’ It was written with a red crayon or something, right under the glass part of the wall, under the stones.

“That’s the whole trouble. You can’t ever find a place that’s nice and peaceful, because there isn’t any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up and write ‘Fuck you’ right under your nose. Try it sometime. I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it’ll say ‘Holden Caulfield’ on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, and then right under that it’ll say ‘Fuck you.’ I’m positive, in fact.”

Thanks Kudzu,

Juancho

Dynamicity

This is me around September 2nd. I’m the one on the right. The woman on my left is my pharmacist. I was at home watching Wife Swap and scribbling cryptic notes in a febrile panic Flannigan/Logan a repetition of Crevecour, de Tocqueville? WRITE OBAMA! I would take an occasional break from my studies to pick up a Bleu Monday and an unsweet tea. Events other than these were regarded with exasperation, despair, and contempt. I let go of the rope and watched it drift in with the tide as I slowly spiraled out to the Gulf Stream buoyed by a PFD of synthetic opiates.

Then, in the middle of the night, I heard the keening Horn of Gondor calling me back.

This is a picture of me now-

Pools of angry butter clot the battlefield. What did I do? Everything. I changed up the dynamicity of this whole operation.

Juancho

Half

Now is not laurel resting time. Just because I could use my once broken shoulder to pat myself on the back doesn’t mean it is time for back-patting. Nobody celebrates a job half-done. America did not win the race halfway to the moon, we went all the way. My regime is still dictating my regimen and I will need the complement of my full regiment to do it.

I made my Florida loop this past weekend and checked in with my family and dropped in at Wellness Camp for the weekend for a booster shot of stay humble.

Now it is time to get back to work.


Once again, I’m phoning it in-

Juancho

Nothing New Under the Sun

I think I’m going to Santos for Thanksgiving tomorrow morning. I can’t think of a better way to give thanks than a visit to Florida’s single track Mecca. I enjoyed a robust solo ride on the north side yesterday. There were new trails with signs and everything. I guess it had been a while since I toured the northern grounds.

I won’t keep you, as I don’t have anything very interesting to say this morning.

Juancho

Yoga is not a Cult

– but it should be. If you don’t do yoga then you must hate your body. There is really no other reasonable justification. I just need to get that off my chest.

Man oh man, what a spectacular weekend we are enjoying here in the Big Bend area of Florida. I was out there. I want to be counted among the ones who were out there. High 70’s and a light freshness to the breeze. Know that I have been places and seen people. Places I have not been to in some time and people I have not seen in quite a while either.

I visited with almost the entire BikeChain Borg down at the Cyclocross races. That cyclocross stuff is confusing. It looked like people queuing up at COSTCO, or maybe a bunch of bike commuters late for work. I just don’t get it. All that plastic tape is so displeasing to the eye.

Big grey fox squirrels, Dogboy with a cut the size of a coin slot in his chin his blood is green, a prehistoric palm grove far from town, and my own knees pumping those pedals all weekend long.

That’s what I saw this weekend.

Juancho

Bee-stung lips

This is not a picture of me, but of another hapless schlub who couldn’t keep his photo off the internet with a big swollen, bee-stung lip. When you hear this expression it is usually a compliment, referring to Angelina Jolie’s perpetual pout. On a man though, not so sexy. The incident occurred at Tom Brown Park while I was handily handling Mystery’s occasional attacks on the trail. As we were swooping down the flow track basin- POW! Right in the kisser. I caught the yellow-jacket in the corner of my mouth and trapped it beneath a bicuspid. Mystery stopped due to the gargling,choking sounds which were different from my normal gargling and choking sounds and with some urgency I spat the Dolichovespula into my gloved hand and crushed it.

I had no choice but to ride on, as we were not well-placed for a bail out from this point. As we rode I could feel my face getting heavier and the intolerable stinging sensation subsided into a deep throb. I took a sip from my water bottle and somehow poured water all down the V of my jersey.

When we stopped riding 15 minutes or so later I asked Mystery to tell me if my lip looked swollen. His response? Instantaneous whooping and laughter. He tried to take a picture with his phone, but lucky for me he is so technically unsavvy he did not realize he was actually holding a patch kit, thereby sparing me the humiliation.

By the time I got home my lip had grown to the size of a boiled hot dog and I had something new to whine about.

It’s still a little puffy right now (that’s what she said!)

Juancho

The Serious Road Trip

The Serious Road Trip

This humanitarian aide group was one of my early inspirations to pursue a life of service to people in crisis. You might think I sit around on the Internet all day, and you would almost be correct, but someone needs to cover the Internet. We can’t all drive the trucks. Some of my friends worked with this group and I had the opportunity to work with members of this crew in Bosnia and back here in Tallahassee, but that’s a different story. The story I’m telling is about these young folks from all over the planet, who came together to act against murder, terror, starvation, and fear.

The story as they tell it is a hilarious account of heavy drinking, large vehicles, remarkable courage, and incomparable stupidity. At the peak of their influence Rolling Stone magazine dubbed them the “most rock-n-roll aide humanitarian aide agency in the world.” I’m not sure if there were any competitors for the title, but SRT was more than enough.

You can read about them at the link above if you want. If you are pondering a move towards a change in your life that requires audacity and courage I think you may find their story inspiring.

Alas, nothing gold can stay and SRT fell victim to their own success, but not until after they had given evil a black eye in some of the most hopeless and dangerous places in the world: Bosnia, Romania, the Palestinian Territories, and Sudan to name a few. Their legacy lives on and when something absolutely must be done, because to not act is unconscionable, we can all reach for our clown noses and our car keys and make something happen.

I didn’t drive a Bedford over Mt. Igman, but I was lucky enough to learn a bit of the SRT way and I have the t-shirt to prove it.

Juancho