The Funk

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I finally found it. The mystery stench in Barbie’s little Dream Truck.

For weeks that truck has stunk and stunk, and I assumed it was the accumulated funk of myself, my brother, and whomever else crams their ass in the jumpseats on the way home from a trail.

–Not that we drive to trails.

I couldn’t take it anymore this morning. I had to find it.

Is it this coffee thermos? I stick my nose down in it and take a deep breath. Whew, sour, but not sour enough. Is it this pair of crunchy socks? I hold them to my face and breathe in. A little musty, but not so bad really.

Is there something rotten in my Camelback? I pick it up and immediately release the latent FUNK that has been lurking in it for weeks.

There is definitely something dead in my Camelback.

Sniff, sniff, cautious sniff. Oh my God that is nasty. Sniff, sniff.

I find nothing in the pockets, that’s strange.

I pull out the bladder and find it 1/2 full of what looks like runny cottage cheese. Interesting, I don’t remember putting any cheese water in there the last time I took it on a ride.

Now I hate to waste resources and lose gear unnecessarily, so I had a decision to make. Could it be salvaged? Could I return it to normal? Let me see, maybe if I just unscrew the lid here and– My eyes! My eyes! quickly I screw down the lid and dump the bladder in the garbage.

So what do you suppose was in that thing? All I can remember is I used to have a little bit of that Accelerade stuff and now I can’t find it. Their gimmick is 1/4 protein to 3/4 carbohydrates. This is supposedly a very big deal.

So what do they mean by protein? Where does it come from? Is it some synthetic, fruit-flavored protein? I don’t think so.

As my brother said last night, “Bubba, there’s only one thing that smells like that when it’s rotten and that’s chicken.”

Chicken.

Accelerade is made from chicken water.

How appropriate!

Tell the ladies Barbie’s little dream truck is back in business.

-Juancho

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5 Responses to The Funk

  1. 30-year-old Twinkie soon to become teacher’s legacy
    BLUE HILL, Maine (AP) — A Twinkie standing the test of time on the edge of a blackboard may be a retiring science teacher’s lasting legacy.
    Roger Bennatti developed a reputation as an innovative teacher during his 31-year career at George Stevens Academy, using new methods to introduce students to subjects he loved. But the legend of the Twinkie looms over all.

    Speckled with bits of mold, the bright yellow cake still adorns his lab, but Bennatti only vaguely remembers why he kept the Twinkie so long.

    “We wanted to see what the shelf life of a Twinkie was,” said Bennatti. “The idea was to see how long it would take to go bad.”

    The Twinkie stayed on top of the board through his career — joined in later years by a Fig Newton — and occasionally inspired new food experiments. Bennatti estimates the ever-yellow Twinkie is about 30-years-old.

    “It’s rather brittle, but if you dusted it off, it’s probably still edible,” Bennatti said. “It never spoiled.”

    The fascination with the Twinkie lasted until Bennatti’s retirement in June, said Libby Rosemeier, a former Bennatti student and teacher at the school.

    “We had to spirit it away at the end of the year,” said Rosemeier, who has volunteered to become the Twinkie’s new caretaker. “The kids all wanted it.”

    Rosemeier said her father, a carpenter, plans to make a case for the snack, and she hopes to hang it in her new classroom next year.

    Some things in life are eternal like diamonds and twinkies. Chicken juice unfortunately, is not one of them.

  3. A little bit o protein and a little bit o carb and you could create life. I bet if you’d left it alone, eventually it would have gotten up and walked away by itself (course, it probably would have taken the rest of the camelback with it!)

  4. That’s a long time for your camelback to sit around unused. I hear bike lube that sits too long on a stationary chain starts to stink too. How’s the funk on the back porch?