Category Archives: Uncategorized

I’m not saying it was Bike Church, but I was the only acolyte on the ride who hasn’t been on the last 200 Bike Church rides, so at the least it was Bike Wednesday Night Prayer Group Supper. Those guys were kind, taking moments to explain the scripture as we paged our way through the forest and back. Battling nerves cost me a third of the peanut butter, avocado, and asiago sandwich I counted on to see me through the event. In spite of myself though, I began to relax and enjoy myself. Upon entering the forest the weirdest thing happened. Bill turned towards me and the whites of his eyes had turned a full deeply cervine brown. I then realized all three of these guys had experienced this same transformation. I caught a glimpse of Larry far up the trail and as he bounded over a log I saw a flash of white.

When we exited the forest they all appeared normal, but when I looked back I saw in the sand my single tread and three sets of hoof prints. Bill offered no explanation, casually spitting the husks of acorns as we paused a moment before returning to the woods and home.

Juancho

What a sandbagger. The biggest sandbagger in the history of sandbagging. The biggest sandbagger in the history of both sand and bags. The earliest Neanderthal man who accidentally kicked some sand into the first ever bag made from the stomach of a woolly rhino was a descendant of our friend, the Human Wrecking Ball. When Katrina flooded the Ninth Ward they should have called him because he could have bagged enough sand to dam the Mississippi river. Tell me I’m lying, I dare you.

Other than that little piece of information I enjoyed a brisk ride with the Bikechain Posse and some other cast-about stragglers like myself. Those Bikechain jerk-offs, they are really good guys if you get to know them.

Big Jim Slade was there shining his buckle. Big Worm crawled out of his sick bay to be there. Mingo and Mingo Jr even joined us on our once beloved Munson. Now you have to buy a day pass and get a ticket punched before riding the monorail to the trailhead and enjoying the MUNSON EXPERIENCE JAMBOREE tm. Sure it’s fast, but that doesn’t make it right.

Anyway, there ain’t no flavor left in that bone so I need to stop worrying on it. The point of the story is that The Wrecking Ball is back. Finally and thankfully, he is back.

Juancho

Information is King in this new age. The new moral imperative compels me to just put it out there and let the people decide. There is the potential for scandal here. What if the release of these sensitive documents starts a war between the practitioners of the Electric Slide and the followers of the original variation commonly known as the Bus-Stop? We have all done things that seemed perfectly reasonable in one context, only to find out that certain events do not translate well from one culture to another. Besides, how can a man who only knows another man by the color of his tights possibly proffer some sort of opinion about what that man chose to wear 16 years ago? Ridiculous right?

So I should just delete these pictures and erase my hard drive and pretend that I never came into possession of such a responsibility.

I wish I had taken the blue pill instead.

Juancho

The world is a scarier place for Water-bugs. I never realized the price they pay for speed. As a Rhinoceros Beetle I could stagger and sway through a crowd shoulder checking all and sundry. At my girthiest I could raise significantly more pounds than I weighed and put that weight wherever I liked. I had the option of the two step slam this is when you take two steps and apply all force to a person or object and that is sufficient to rapidly relocate the person or object. Sometimes the two step slam could be communicated in a determined glare whereby a person moved voluntarily the distance they would have been relocated.

Now I could take as many steps as I like and I could only call it dancing. I have to live by my wits and quick reflexes. I am lightly tethered to the earth now and this requires constant evaluating to make certain I am not drifting away. I am not small enough to evoke pity or a nurturing instinct in my potential adversaries. I am just an average sized guy of medium build, which means totally fair game for a beating, especially an average sized guy of medium build with a Clydesdale mouth.

I’m not looking for trouble. I am not a trouble seeker, but it is the thought here that counts. The two step slam glare got me through a lot of airports and Wal-marts.

Juancho

Here is a picture of the Tallahassee Rock Gym, brainchild of our good friend Tommy Whatsizface. When the demands of managing an indoor rock climbing empire grew out of control, he sold the thriving business to some other poor bastard. Said poor bastard still owns it today. In fact, he was so excited to own the place that he agreed to a deal which included lifetime free climbing for the original staff and ownership.

I, Juancho Del Medio, was one of those original staff members. My people skills, refined in the cannibalistic world of food service got me the edge, but my prowess as a recently returned from the Rockies below average climber made it a done deal. Also, we were friends. I needed money, and he sort of needed but really didn’t much need at all somebody to sit at his empty rock gym. I did that sitting.

Yesterday I came out of rock climbing retirement and enjoyed a little on belay with Mystery- my only friend who persists in talking about and practicing rock climbing. Why can’t he just let it go?

I rode 50+ miles of trail this weekend, and from that I feel no pain. I climbed exactly 90 feet in three efforts for a total time “on rock” of about 7 minutes.

From this 7 minutes I ache all over. Someone please assure me that the rock gym is not the new skateboard?

Juancho