Virtual Reality

When someone surprises you with a free cruise to express their appreciation for the good work that you do, it ought to feel good right, like a reward?

I am struggling with this. Cruises violate my principles on so many levels. First, there is the “getting on a vessel I don’t know how to operate” issue. Every time I fly, before I board, I remind myself, “You chose to do this dumbass, and you don’t know how to fly, so just accept whatever happens or don’t get on.” Then I get on the plane. Every time,I do this.

Then, there is the “Only can eat food that other people cook” issue. Botulism runs through those cruise ships, like Botulism runs through, well, anyone with Botulism. I call it Least Common Denominator cooking- even if they don’t poison you, it can’t be too spicy for some, too salty for others, so what I expect is sticky sauces made with 2% milk, King Crab legs because they look expensive (As a Florida boy, I know that Stone Crab claws are the best) and sheet pan after sheet pan of bland tira misu, key lime pie, and German chocolate cake. Of course, there will also be Prime Rib, nothing says “You’re on vacation” than a minority in a white hat carving prime rib under a heat lamp.

Other concerns are:

Pirates- I’m certain you can’t board the vessel armed so I will have to improvise if faced with sea thugs.
Lack of a free market system- Everything will be quite costly due to being a captive audience. $5 beers, $3 Advil, $4 toothbrush, etc…
Sinking- I will undoubtedly spend the entire first night sleepless in order to study the layout of the boat and the best possible routes of egress should the vessel list or capsize. I went to my first ever college football game two weeks ago and spent most of the time scanning the area for trouble and formulating a plan for sheltering-in-place in case of a stampede or riot (In case you ever need to: lie on the floor of your row, vital organs turned inward for protection, cover the back of your neck and wait for the panic to subside, then escape in an orderly manner atop the bodies of the less prepared).
Seasickness: My only experience at sea is grouper fishing 30 miles out in a 14 foot boat. To me, ocean-going boats mean puking on your hands while reeling cinder blocks up from the bottom of the ocean.

Other than that, I’m totally psyched about the trip. I embark January 16, two days after San Felasco. It should be quite an abrupt transition.

Capt. Juancho

7 Responses to Virtual Reality

  1. I have done two of these. One was a gift and one was, well, it’s a long story. Lemme see if I can blog the whole thing. It’ll provide you with perspective from someone who never understood the value of these sorts of vacations yet managed to spend 14 total days on cruise ships.

  2. and if nothing else, there’ll be lotsa 99% naked chicks on the pool decks. And the drinking often starts around 9am–except for the folk who started earlier.

  3. “Starting” implies that at some point you have stopped right? And lucky for the lovely ladies, I will be 99% naked too, just like at work.

  4. Though it is possible that 99% of those naked ladies will actually be 99 years old–almost. So, careful that the digital camera has a lock on the shutter. Wouldn’t want it going off willy nilly.

    Just think–Somalian pirates, Cuban refugees, drug smugglers, lubed up retirees sunning themselves on 5 fun-filled decks – finally Sasquatch and his road bike will have a break on the blog!

  5. The riding? I ground them down to pulp, and myself as well. we cranked out a rather aggressive 30 miles. Fern Trail, Cadillac, Pedrick Greenway, and back to 10th Ave. Only 1 Gainesville boy made the trip, and sadly, he finished the ride no worse for the wear. The weather turned gorgeous, but it was chilly the whole ride. Maybe that’s why I’m laid up sick today. I’ve got a lot of wood to chop to prepare for the Felasco 50.