Juancho vs. The Wii

So I am over at Tommy’s house the other night enjoying the company of what I thought were old friends. A bowl of gumbo, a delicious beet salad, a couple of High Lifes- the world felt right as rain.

Then- after dinner, but before the andouille could find a place to settle, Tommy suggests we play some video games, Skateboarding on the Nintendo Wii to be specific. “Sure” I say, trying to be a good sport even though I find video games tedious. It’s all about enjoying the company of friends really.

Tommy directs me to the center of the living room and instructs me to stand on a platform, “the Wii balance board,” he calls it. I mount the platform with the slightest sense of unease creeping up on me. I would rather play a sitting down video game I think to myself. Still, I am comfortable with board sports and assume I will be carving the halfpipe in no time.

I did not carve the halfpipe in no time. That is because the Nintendo Wii is not a video game at all, but a lifestyle modification device designed to destroy your self-esteem and rebuild you in the preferred image of its makers.

The Wii evaluates your BMI (body mass index) based on the standards of the average small asian people where it was designed. The Wii knows nothing of the Viking.
So- after evaluating my height, weight, balance, and posture post gumbo; the Wii adjusts the physical form of my avatar until I look like fat Charlie Brown. The Wii suggests my healthy target weight is 145 lbs. I used to wrestle at 145 lbs actually. I was in the seventh grade. So now I am 60 lbs away from the perfect me? And here I thought it was 10 lbs away, where it has always been.

Now I am allowed to skateboard, which believe me, I have lost interest in doing. After attempting to master the nuances of pretend skateboarding in the living room, the Wii assigns me a “fitness age.” My fitness age you ask? 55. My actual age? 39.

Now completely shaken and demoralized, I seek nothing but a toilet in which I can deposit the gumbo. Is the Wii done with me? No it is not. It asks if I would like to set some fitness goal for our next “play session.” I decline. It then asks if I will make a commitment to at least “not lose any ground.”

I would have answered “too late” but that was not an option.


8 Responses to Juancho vs. The Wii

  1. Public Humiliation as a behavior modification strategy! I would have never guessed Old School tactics from a device called the Wii. Little do they know the backfire potential among the Vikings. I’m surprised you didn’t ask someone to bring you a jar of Crunchy Jiff and a spoon so you could eat while you pimped your shredding skills.

  2. Oh, take it away!! This sounds like my worst nightmare!! And if Tommy considers that a nice friendly thing to do, I sure don’t want to be his enemy. A fat Charlie Brown indeed. 😉

  3. I have one of those at my house, but mines called the Wank. It also creates a target vision of your goals but you can’t play it for very long or you’ll go blind (they say, but it hasn’t happened yet).

  4. I’m more surprised you didn’t shove a manly spoonful of your Crunchy Jif down the wise assed games portal, all while give your best barbaric, YALP!

    Viking, indeed!

  5. Is there anything worse than being knocked down a peg by the latest technology? Thank god I have my digital abacus for balancing my checkbook though since it’s all zeros there isn’t much to it.